In the States, I was the girl who loved dating lawyers. I have a lot of friends and relatives who happen to be lawyers, we get on very well, so dating lawyers was no big deal for me. Don't get me wrong, I love a good chuckle over a lawyer joke just like the next gal, but I've never held this intense hatred for the species as many other people do. In fact, my own lawyer is making Aliyah with his family in a few weeks, and I can't wait to have him here! At the very least, he's someone I can turn to for troubleshooting.
So when I moved to Israel, I held lawyers in high regard and had warm and fuzzy feelings for the breed.
That was before I spoke with my landlords' lawyer about our lease agreement.
He was so considerate, called me bright and early this morning to wake me up.
Only to tell me that he can't rent me the apartment because I have no Israeli guarantors.
Motherf@*&*r!!
Israeli lawyers are seriously grim reapers. And they don't even try to hide it!! What's worst is the tone they use when they basically break the bad news. It was the same tone I would use to tell a fat person that dessert is served. Super sweet in delivery, but laced with a warning that partaking in dessert isn't necessarily the best thing you want to do when you have a few pounds to lose. Cause lord knows, I don't need someone having a heart attack at my kitchen table.
So we're in a clusterf**k. I have two options. Obtain a guarantee from the bank or provide 2 Israeli based guarantors. OK, I have no family or close enough friends in Israel to turn to, so where does that leave me? Hmmm, should I ask the guy I went on a date with this week to be my guarantor? I can just see how that conversation would go:
Him: It was really nice meeting you, I had a good time on our date. Would you be up for second date and a movie, perhaps?
Me: Sure, movie sounds great. You know what, it's my treat! Oh, and would you mind being my guarantor for $12,000 too? Don't worry, I'm good for the money, I'll even throw in dinner after the movie!
Hell, that's one way to get an Israeli paramour sprinting for the North! The line that used to get men running for the hills was, I want to marry you but no more. The aforementioned example takes the cake.
I know, what about approaching my bank for that guarantee? I mean, the bank won't even give me CHECKS for the next three months, so I can take out the money I've already deposited into my account, but I'm sure they would be happy to go out on a limb for me for $12,000 a year.
For a significant fee. But of course.
Welcome to my latest hurdle in Israel. Its been exactly one week since I've landed. There is no way in hell I'm letting this apartment get away, I just ordered an amazing bed! Oh no, this situation is going to be rectified if it's the last thing I do.
Song of the day: Don't Fear the Reapers remix by Caesars.
Bring it on lawyers!
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