Secret Single Behavior

In Sex and the City, Charlotte coined a phrase that really stuck with me throughout my adult life (or, since that particular episode aired). She called is Secret Single Behavior, or SSB, and all that changes as soon as you get into a relationship. In her case, it was something completely idiotic like checking her pores at night in a big mirror. According to her, in the episode, you can't check your pores at night if you're sleeping with a man. Because, there are certain things a single gal does alone that she doesn't do in front of a beau.

As they say in Hebrew, Halivay we should be discussing checking pores!

So, we're Newleyweds right? And, we're still in the honeymoon phase even though my Dad told us a few weeks ago that the "honeymoon is over". We're still getting to know each other. Living together is exciting and at times tense and stressful. We argue a bit, but we also make up before we go to bed, and it's really overall a lot of fun. But, we're still trying. We haven't reached that "sweatpants wearin, hand down my pants while watching TV, not washing my hair or brushing my teeth, walking around scratching inappropriate areas of my body - phase."

It's a good thing that we're still there cause it means that the romance hasn't ended yet.

But, as females, we're taught that certain bodily functions are embarressing and shameful. I bring up another Sex and the City episode, the one where Carrie farts in bed with Big, and she is absolutely mortified. So how, as females who are wired to think that a fart isn't just natural but a shameful act (and something you never, EVER, do in front of a guy you are dating/married to), do you spend your life living with a man and not pass gas? And how come we're not like guys, who (for the most part) have no problem just letting them rip wherever, whenever, and however. And, it's like the noisier the better, and elicits high fives and the such from male bystanders. Where the SBD (Silent but Violent) is a cheerwothy event akin to a touchdown? How come, women can't be like that?

Recently, I polled a number of my girlfriends and they've gotten around the public farting. We're basically taught how to "hold it in" in high school, so many know how to control it. But what, my dear readers, happens if you fart in your sleep and your husband/boyfriend is still awake and he hears you? Is it like the tree in the forest? If the person whose laying the fart is asleep and doesn't hear/feel it, did it really happen? Can you use plausible deniability?

Well, here are some tips to dealing with situations.

1) If you are awake and accidentally let out a big one and your boyfriend/spouse is within earshot/smell shot - channel the Japanese schoolgirl and cover your mouth with your hand, giggle and turn red, and say "excuse me" in the most adorable sounding voice you can muster. That can turn you back into the adorable creature you are to your spouse and hopefully, he'll be running in for a hug

2) If you accidentally wake yourself UP because you let out a big one and your boyfriend/spouse was within earshot/smell shot - well, all I can say is, deny, deny, deny. If YOU don't remember what it was that woke you up, turn the situation on it's head and tell him that it was HIS farting in bed that woke you up! Hopefully, that will turn into a funny debate about who laid what and how, and you'll both have a good laugh and get back to sleep.

OK - that's my preaching for today.

As many of you know, yesterday was my 31st birthday and it started off nicely. I got to sleep an extra 30 minutes before having to get up and get my day going. Buggy had to go to the Dr., so we showered and got dressed and ate breakfast in the succah and left in time for Buggy's 12:00 p.m. appointment. Fortunately, the Dr. gave us some good news, and we were off to fill a perscription and then on to our errands. We stopped off at Buggy's parents place to borrow a pillow as we're having sleepover company for Simchat Torah, and then we went paper good shopping. We picked up some plates and salad/fish and dessert plates and cups and matching napkins. We will hopefully be all ready for out company - which has swelled to an impressive 16 within the last couple of days! Needless to say, today will be spend in the kitchen as I cook up a storm for our guests.

After the paper goods store, Buggy left to go do some work and I went to work preparing the bedrooms for our company. It's difficult trying to figure out where to store all the stuff we don't have room for yet, and so I managed to find some creative hiding places. For example. I usually leave my two wigs hanging over the bed in one of the guest rooms. Since we need that bed too, I had to share Buggy's closet space and moved his ties over t omake room for what he calls "Wiggy 1" and "Wiggy 2". I'll take a picture later so you can see what I'm talking about. After making beds with fresh/clean linens, I was exhausted! It's a lot of work rearrranging and moving stuff from one room to another! I tried to settle in on the couch for some Iron Chef America but the doorbell rang and there was my husband, holding a bouquet of 31 red roses.

Soo beautiful and surprising! I didn't expect it because he already bought me the nicest birthday present! He preorder the Stephen Colbert book, and I CAN'T WAIT to get it in November! It's going to be soo funny, I am excited!

Our birthday afternoon began and Buggy watched an episode of Roswell with me, then we got dressed and headed to the mall to watch the movie Knocked Up which was hilarious. The mall, however, was a zoo with tons of people packing in and shopping. It was like the day before Christmas in New York with wall-to-wall people, and no parking or room to move! I told Buggy next time, we stay home during Chol Hamoed because it was really hectic and annoying. I'm just not that girl who likes to be jostled.

It wasn't so late when we got out of the movies, but the thought of eating leftovers didn't appeal to us and the beauty of living in this Country is that the Mall food court is kosher! So, we decided to pick up take out to eat in our succah. We surveyed the options and decided to go Thai noodles. We both got soup, 2 eggrolls, and then 2 starches and 2 chickens. I got the soy chicken and the sweet chicken and then the Thai noodles. Buggy got the Thai noodles, some rice, and 2 helpings of this other kind of chicken. We brought the food back to the house and had a lovely dinner in the Succah.

And then, my stomach really started to hurt. Shooting pains throughout my stomach made me rush to the toilet. And then, I went all Exorcist!



And, my husband was amazing, keeping me company during the entire episode. He ran and got me water, and would have held my hair back if I wasn't already wearing a shmata. After making sure the entire contents of dinner was out, I managed to crawl into bed and passed out. I think Buggy was telling me a story for a bit, but towards the end everything just got fuzzy and I fell asleep.

That people, is real love. When you're at your worst, and he's there right besides you to help you through it.

What a fabulous birthday!

Today, Buggy has to be at work all day long so I'm gonna be alone in the house doing what I have to do to prepare for 16 guests. Basically, I'm going to pick up the chicken at the supermarket and any of the last ingredients that I need and just spend the day cooking! I'm hoping to make a broccoli and corn kugel, the sweet and sour chicken, 2 huge macaroni and meats and the orzo. Hopefully, that will be more than enough to feed 16 people! Tomorrow, I leave the salad making and the baking for last.

Hope everyone is enjoying Chol Hamoed!

Repent

I think I need to seriously reprent this year, and I already have a basic handle on the sins that turn out to be my "go to" sins. The typical ones like Lashon Harah and Rechilut, etc. I did a lot of thinking last night about Yom Kippur starting this evening and well, I'm just hoping the 25 hours of reprentence will be meaningful for me. I really have a lot that I'm sorry about.

Before I continue, I know that I didn't get a chance to call a lot of people before Yom Kippur. I'm not making excuses but when you read the rest of the blog you'll understand how come I've been crashing each and every night this week and not able to even pick up the phone. Nevertheless, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask for Mechilah for anyone I could have offended or upset or hurt this year. It was never intentional and I truly hope that you can forgive me.

Tuesday
Ever wonder how to get into the right frame of mind for Yom Kippur? Go before a Beit Din, it will shake you to the core and make you wonder what it would be like to actually stand in front of the Beit Din Shel Malah. (the Bet Din up above - as in the ultimate beit din). So, Buggy and I were up really early because we had to meet with his lawyers. Buggy rents out an apartment in Katamon and he met with his new tenant, so we were at the lawyers to go through the contracts. I wish Buggy could have been there last year when I was dealing with all this stuff out in Tel Aviv; he really is a wonderful and compassionate landlord. We had 3 minutes until our appointment at the Beit Din so we ran up Hillel Street to get there on time. Fortunately, our two witnesses were already there and we proceeded to wait....for 2 1/2 hours. Buggy had to run out in the middle to Aroma to get us drinks and lunch because we were all so hungry. Anyway, when it was finally our turn they called the two of us in and asked us a lot of questions. They were trying to establish that we were both Jewish, that our marriage was in accordance to Halacha, etc. I dressed for the day 100% appropriately, which included covering up all of my hair in a big shmata. I wore the longest skirt I own and I opted for long sleeve t-shirt even though it was very hot outside. Nevertheless, my garb didn't necessarily convince them but the letters from my parents Rabbi stating that my mother is Jewish and that my parents are religious and the copies of their Ketuba helped. They questioned our witnesses extensively - asking whether or not my parents were religious and if I came from a religious home. They didn't relax until I told them about my Yeshiva education. As soon as I said that I spent my time in seminary at Michlalah with Rabbi Cooperman, they finally relaxed. We are waiting for a letter to arrive that states that the Rabanut of Israel recognizes that our marriage in America was 100% kosher and we "officially" married. Then we can get on with the next step of beurocracy.

As a side note to the Beit Din issue - they actually force women not dresses appropriately to put on long robes to cover up before they stand before the Rabbi's. Just a helpful hint, in case you ever have to go before Beit Din in Israel. Personally, I hope that's the last time I'm there.

Since they didn't see us until 1:30, we were 30 minutes late to my genetic testing appointment and had to sprint across Yafo and Aggripas to get there. Fortunately, the woman was kind and saw us anyway and we went through the proper paperwork. We decided to do all of the 16 genetic testing on the Ashkenazi panel. Sadly, there are a lot of genetic issues with Ashkenazi Jews so I wanted to be safe rather than sorry. Buggy agreeds and 2,050 shekels later and after they took 3 vials of my blood, we were off to get me some ice cream. It's a HLH family tradition - we always get ice cream after a harrowing medical experience. Giving that much blood definitely called for some Twix ice cream at Aldo on Emek.

Sadly, I don't remember what we did the rest of the evening but I think Buggy ended up going to work for a bit and I cooked us some dinner. I wanted to surprise him so I made him fresh tortilla chips - I fryed them in a bit of vegetable oil and we had them as an appetizer to our Tivol (soy patty) and quinoa with peas dinner. It was yummy eating by candel light and just relaxing after such a busy day. By the time we fell into bed, we were both really wiped.

Wednesday
We woke up really early because Amos came to build our Succah. It was really, really exciting and he was here for 4 hours! Since the parameters of the balcony are atypical, we hired Amos to build us a custom made Succah. He spent hours here putting it together, even though it's not as difficult as some of the Succot in the States.



This picture is the left side of the Succah if you're standing in the sliding doors to the balcony. We have 2 windows too - which is really nice and we'll probably leave open in the evenings and during the day if it gets too hot inside.



Here is the right side of the Succah if you're standing in the sliding doors to the balcony. Amos put up the one Succah decoration I had - and then told me that it wasn't a Succah decoration at all but a wall decoration. I looked at it again and then said - "that's great, I like it better for the Succah, can it work in there instead?" He laughed and helped me hang it and now Buggy and I have to go decoration shopping for some more. I want to go at some point on Sunday to the mall to get some more stuff, and I saw a place in Town that were selling some decorations that looked familiar. There was a shiny nice apple that my folks have at home and I can't wait to get another one for our Succah!

Well, Amos is not just a Succah man but he's also an electrician. After he finished building the Succah, we asked him to look at our Shabbos clock and tell us why it didn't work. Buggy at that point had to run an errand and was out of the apartment, and that's when Amos loudly blew a fuse with a huge expolsion....3 TIMES! It was very scary - we lost power and then it came on again, we lost power, and then it came on again, etc. He told us that the only way to connect it properly would be to rewire the entire panel in the apartment and he couldn't do that until after Succot. I was appreciateive and thanked him and then paid him and he left. And a few minutes later, when Buggy returned, we realized that the AC wasn't working, the lights in all three bedrooms were off, and the lights in the bathroom was off. Unfortunately, Amos was nowhere near the apartment and couldn't come back to fix it until later that evening. So, we sucked it up as best we could and I showered in the dark and used the light from Buggy's hand held computer to pick out my clothing for that eveinings festivities...which I'll get to in a minute. Our cleaning man didn't show up as arranged, so I was really disappointed, the apartment could use a really good scrub down. But, I spent the afternoon running my own errands like putting in our cleaning, going fruit and vegetable shopping and writing and mailing 25 thank you cards! Phew, by the time the night came, I was beat. But, we threw Buggy's Mom a surprise birthday party at Pear E Mela (Agas V'Tapuach), this extremely quaint Italian restaurant just outside the old City walls and next door to City Halls in Town. She was very surprised, very happy, and everyone had a great time. The food was really good too but the highlight was dessert - which was raspberry and mango gellato, fresh whipped cream and chocolate blitzes. Yum! We came back home satiated and very happy.

Thursday
There is no rest for the weary and, once again, Buggy and I had to go into town to take care of bank issues. We waited in line forever and then did all 3 transactions that needed doing. Then, it was off to Har Nof to pick up my Fall which the woman did an excellent job with! I was really happy and, 110 shekel later, walked out of there with a clean and freshly blown out fall and a new styrofome head. We then went to Buggy's parents house to get hair cuts. Buggy's Mom arranges for a stylist from Tel Aviv to come and cut her friends hair in their home in Jerusalem. He was cutting 8 people's hair that day, and Buggy and I were 1 & 2 on line. We showered at the house and then Buggy was up and I watched and chatted with the stylist. He looked great and when it was my turn, I decided to go drastic. And...since it's no longer summer here and it's already Autumn, I cut bangs.

Yup

Straight across and long - so that it's slightly over my eyebrows - I am now sporting a nice haircut with bangs. It's going to be a pain to maintain, but it's a lot more flattering that what I had before and I'm happy with it.

After the haircut, we came back to the apartment and I put up a load of laundry and decided it was the day I would get out of boxes! The closet people came at 9:00 a.m. that morning and fixed the drawers that needed to be fixed, so I no longer had an excuse not to be out of boxes. I spent 4 hours and put away all of my socks and shoes and the HUGE box of drug supplies in the cabinet under the bathroom sink. It was exhausting work and then Buggy had to leave for work and I ended up just hanging out and relaxing. When we do so much in one day, I get really tired afterwards, and had to fight myself from falling asleep on the couch. We were supposed to celebrate my Hebrew birthday (oh yeah, that was yesterday for me, Happy 31st to me) but our photographer called and told us that he was in Jerusalem and we could come pick up our proofs. We were very excited so we cancelled our dinner and a movie plans, drove into town to his apartment, and picked up the 800 wedding proofs. We spent the rest of the evening looking at pictures and it was so overwhelming that we have to narrow it all down to 70 that we ended up going to bed at 11:30 without making any big decisions. My folks also go their set of proofs, so it will be interesting to hear if they liked the pictures!

Today
Which brings us to today, Erev Shabbos Yom Kippur 2007 in Jerusalem. Buggy woke up at 6:15, which means that I've been up since that time, and he left for Slichot. We are going out to Kibbutz Chafetz Chaim this morning for an Azkarah for his Grandmother, who passes away on Yom Kippur 4 years ago. Afterwards, we're going to come back and I'm going to start cooking for our Seudat HaMafseket. Buggy and I both missed dinner last night and I woke up starving, so I hope today we'll be better about eating in light of the fast ahead.

We wish all our loved ones - and anyone who haphazardly stumbled upon this blog - a Gmar Chatimah Tovah. May all your sins be forgiven, and may all of your Tefilot come true! We hope to see you all next year in Jerusalem!