The Tel Aviv Apartment Hunting Diet

So much to write about, I don't know where to begin. I think I'll start by explaining the photo. Yesterday, I took the #90 bus and went to visit my friends Susie, Elliot and their daughter Rina (from London) at a hotel on the beach in Herzliya. To say that the couple of hours I spent there was great would be an understatement. For a few hours, I was on vacation and I didn't worry about anything. I played with their daughter, Susie and I caught up, Elliot and I bonded and I got to daven Mincha with the gorgeous sunset as my background (granted, it was behind me while praying, but it was beautiful nonetheless). I got to watch the surfers hit the waves at dusk when the swells were peaking and, for a few minutes, I wished I could get on a surfboard and let it carry me all the way back home.

Before yesterday, I never really considered the US "home". I always thought Israel was "home" and the US was my "awesome interim home". How almost a month living in Israel has changed me.

After speaking with both rents yesterday, we decided it was in my best interest not to move into the apartment. The bottom line, it was just way too expensive. I can't afford it, especially since I haven't worked for any clients since July, and I'm started to feel the empty linings of my pocketbook. I got on Homeless yesterday afternoon and started making calls to some interesting apartments. One guy responded to my call and we made plans to look at his apartment. I went directly there from Herzeliya and was pretty impressed with what he had to offer. The positives include: cheaper rent, he would be living nextdoor so we would split the Arnona and Vad Bayit (which is pretty steep), a front door that LOCKS, an elevator, brand new apartment so the kitchen is kosher, a huge wardrobe in the bedroom, ability to put in cable. The negatives: no refrigerator, no stove top, no washer/dryer.

I told them I wanted to take the apartment. We're currently in negotiations and, if it's meant to be, then it will all work out and hopefully I will be able to move in by Friday.

This is Israel, so I'm not holding my breath and will continue looking for apartments tonight.

But, in the meantime, there was so much I had to do that has made the whole experience really bad. First of all, when they "warn me" that renting an apartment here is hard, they lied. It's damn near impossible. And when they "warned me" to watch out for people looking to take advantage of stupid Americans, I didn't listened.

Hi, my name is HolylandHipster and in Israel, I am a stupid America.

I've been taken for a ride every which way till Sunday. I've been screwed over by so many people, it's not normal.

And now I've had no choice but to surrender any shred of dignity, any ounce of self-respect, my independence, and start calling in favors. I had to call the Levensons and ask them to be the guarantors on this apartment. I had to ask them to come to Tel Aviv on Friday morning, their day off and Erev Shabbot and of course on a weekend when they are having a LOT Of company, to meet with my landlords and sign the lease. Being as nice as they are, they acquiesced, which I appreciated more than anything. But, the fact that I had to ask them, made me feel absolutely horrible.

I had to call my sister's friends in Beit Shemesh, the family I'm going to for Rosh Hashanah next week, and ask them to help me understand the terms of the contract. They offered to also be my guarantors, and to review the contract. I really appreciated the offer and will certainly take them up on it. When I told them about my neighborhood, they offered to have me stop paying the $70 a night here and let me move into their guest room until after the Chagim. That was really so nice of them to offer, and as tempting as it is for me to run to their house with my tail between my legs in defeat, I have to stay and work things out here.

And guess what. It's already 9:00 p.m. and still no contract in my inbox. There was no phone call yet either. And, I already went to the bank and took out the cash amounts for the first and last months rent on the apartment so I'm pretty confused.

Yeah, somehow, I don't think this apartment is going to happen.

Do you think I should view this as a sign?

This afternoon, I went to the gym for my second workout with Yehuda. I decided I was going to be firm with him and tell him that there was no way I was letting him weigh me before every session. I told him I wasn't going to get on the scale, he insisted, I stood my ground. I tried not being a wimp, or a wimp-o as my Dad would put it. Somehow the "o" always gets attached to the word wimp when he's trying to make a point. I view it as a loving well to tell me to stop being a pushover. I had made up my mind. THIS I could control. He started working away at me. How come I didn't want to get wieghed he asked? I told him because it wasn't accurate. Who the hell weighs themselves during the middle of the day while wearing sneakers and after already eating? It was ridiculous, what kind of number was he looking to get? He agreed it wasn't accurate, but he felt it was important that he keep track of it for progress. Since I have a fitness goal in mind. I told him it was humiliating. I don't get weighed by someone else unless you're my physician. Period. I'm a grown woman with my own scale. I can weight myself. He told me I shouldn't feel humiliated before he's not interested in me in that way.

Ouch.

So now, I've been humiliated and somehow rejected.

I told him that was good to know, I wasn't interested in him either. He said I misunderstood him, it is a very professional relationship.

Yehuda is VERY serious about working out together, which I appreciate, but I was NOT getting on that scale.

He told me that seeing weight loss will be a great motivator. I didn't necessarily agree.

So guess what happened.

Just put a big sign around my neck and call me wimpo.

I got on the scale. And I lost 7 pounds in one week. I didn't believe it at first, but then it made sense. Welcome to the Tel Aviv Apartment Hunting diet. Combine no appetite to eat with aggravation and you too can drop the pounds fast! The 7 pound loss wasn't a motivator, it made me feel sad. I always lose weight when I'm miserable.

So, we worked out hard for an hour. Really pushing it, I sweated completelty thtough my clothing, and then headed home to take care of letting the old landlords know that I'm not moving in. In the interim, I called Yes and cancelled my cable service. But they won't cancel it for me. I'm too exhausted to go into it now, but basically, Jeff is going to call Yes tomorrow and talk to them about the situation. Thank G-d for Jeff, literally. I don't know what I would do here without him.

Here's my advice for the world: NEVER, EVER put in cable, or internet, or a telephone line into an apartment that you do not already live in. NEVER! Because something like what happened to me could happen to you, and then you're screwed. Just like I am right now.

When I told the landlords that I wasn't moving in, I was very simple and direct. I had no money to pay the rent. They were nice about it, but pissed off about a lot of other things too. They're going to make me pay for the Bezeq line, but at least they will let the Yes men come to the apartment and pick up the boxes. Either way, I'm going to have to pay for something. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop though, I know that it can't be this easy. Somehow, the Bezeq is going to end up costing me like $900. Just you wait, it will happen.

I went to the gyms Doctor tonight to have him sign off that I'm healthy. It was a joke, he asked me questions, he took my blood pressure and then he listened to me breathing. The guys is a surgeon here in Tel Aviv and got his training at Hadassah hospital. His specialty: Urology. Nice to know he's qualified.

Since I've done so much exercise today, I figured what's a couple more blocks, and walked home again from the gym. I stopped off at the supermarket to pick up some more water as my supply was running low. When I got to my corner, I looked up at the buildings across the street from my apartment. On one of the balconies was a man filming. Interesting. I wonder what he could be filming from the balcony into a hotel room. Fortunately, my apartment was on level with the action being directly across the street. I got upstairs and looked out the window.

A new experiene in Israel happens every day folks. They were filming a porn flick. Yup, porn movie. And then the Ron Jeremy of the film, who looked more like James Gandolfini, sauntered outside and lit up a cigarette. I don't think any more commentary is necessary.

Tomorrow is school, and I'm looking forward to escaping for a few hours. My writing has been suffering though over the past few days and of course time is ticking away. I only completed one out of the three required elements for the course. I finished my analysis of one the Tevye The Dairyman short stories that "spoke to me". I selected the story of "Shprintze". If you're only familiar with the book because of the Fiddler on the Roof movie, you won't know this story. Shprintze is about one of Tevye's daughters (I know, aren't they ALL about one of his daughters?) who commits suicide at the end of the story. She does it by drowning. She does it because the man she loves won't marry her because of her lack of social status and money.

This story spoke to me. And not because I'm remotely suicidal. It just spoke to me.

Tomorrow I'm going to write about the Russian Israeli I met while waiting for the bus to Herzeliya yesterday. He was sad that they wouldn't give him a visa to visit the US. Tomorrow I'll reveal why.

Song of the night is Sundress by Ben Kweller, cause it's really good.